Sodium Free

A good friend reminded me today that this time last year, I dropped the kids off for a party
and had to rush home because things with Mark were starting to go downhill. I haven't forgotten what happened almost a year ago but, was surprised others remember. Almost year ago I started to lose the most familiar person in my life. The details now seem a little less raw, a little more vague as I think about those nights where I was sure Mark wasn't coming back. Even when I thumb through my journal and recount what REALLY happened as it was happening real time, it still feels like I am reading about it second hand and that wasn't really my life. It makes for a really interesting book! (ha). 

We have come a long way. Medication, therapy, prayer and fasting have brought us to a platform where, if we continue, can build a relationship far stronger than we ever had but, it's hard. Period. There were days I was pretty sure I couldn't make it one more minute. It was easier to just sit back and let my life go to Hell than push forward, keep my house clean, keep taking Mc to school on time, keep showering, keep going to church and just "live" like my life wasn't falling apart. It was the first time in my life where I felt that overwhelming sense that for everyone around me life was moving on and mine had stopped. Some days, it even feels like I will be trapped in 2015 forever.

A story that continually plays back in my mind is that of Lot's wife from the Bible. Lot and his family are fleeing Sodom and Gomorrah as it is being destroyed and God says, "“Escape for thy life. Look not behind thee … ; escape to the mountain, lest thou be consumed". Despite the warning, Lot's wife looks back and turns into a pillar of salt.

Elder Holland's thoughts come to mind- She didn't just look back, it's that she looked back in longing. He said, "As a new year begins and we try to benefit from a proper view of what has gone before, I plead with you not to dwell on days now gone nor to yearn vainly for yesterdays, however good those yesterdays may have been. The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead and remember that faith is always pointed toward the future. Faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives.So a more theological way to talk about Lot’s wife is to say that she did not have faith. She doubted the Lord’s ability to give her something better than she already had. Apparently, she thought that nothing that lay ahead could possibly be as good as what she was leaving behind."

The hardest part of this journey is trying to move away from the life that we had before. The life that I thought was so much better than what we have been challenged with now. Our old life wasn't perfect. It had hard moments but for some reason, despite it all, I didn't have the faith that life in 2016 or 2045 for that matter could offer anything better. I couldn't see past what I thought was the best life for me & my family. 

We are still racing uphill some days. We are still trying to work through the unknown but, most days, it feels like we are making it. I have felt a little salty LOTS of times- "It used to be like this.", "We used to do it this way.", "Remember when we would do this.". All that looking back is fine, until it starts to detract from the new way of life that God has laid out. His plan is perfect.  It all ends up how it's supposed to. Looking back robs us of the things the Lord is willing to bless us with if we have faith to pack up and leave all the normalcy that we once thought was as good as it gets and trust that the Lord has something better waiting for us.