Ashlee Smoot

Ashlee Smoot 5/5/1982-3/12/2016                               

I have experienced death in my life as it relates to losing a grandparent- someone who has lived a full life and yearns to be reconnected to a spouse that has long since passed. It seems almost unfathomable to be writing about Ashlee past tense and discussing our relationship as it WAS not what it WILL BE as we age, raise our babies and share holidays together as adults. I remember the conversation when "cancer" moved into our spectrum and threatened to destroy the normal lives we had lived. In the beginning, cancer was tucked away and Ash pushed through and kept going-looking back, I didn't realize how much she was suffering. She never showed it. Through treatment, sickness, exhaustion, fear, pain, and the unknown, Ash smiled and focused on doing what was best for her husband and kids. 17 months inched by. January 2016, Ashlee and I texted, discussed our lives and decided to get together when we got back from St George. A heartfelt and personal birthday message for me. 2/28/2016 "I love you too (smoochy kiss face emoji)" was my last text from Ash. I was able to get a few visits in- a personal house tour discussing every light fixture, Anthropologie wallpaper, every room and every detail that makes that house 100% Ashlee Smoot. We ate lunch, talked about our upcoming cruise, I sat and rubbed her feet. As we sat on the edge of the bed, she said, "This just sucks"- I could think of 100 other ways to describe the situation. 

Saturday, March 12, 2016. I head to Kamas early to bring a bag to Sunni. I got to sit with Ash and partake in some intimate family moments where the veil was SO thin and the sun shone through the window with Angels trailing into Ash's room. I had never seen the paradox so vividly as I did between a body so starved from cancer but SO alive in spirit. That was Ashlee. She passed away at 11: 37 PM. 

She chose to be cremated. Her choice was perfect. A sweet box carried her remains that Sunni and I tied with pink ribbons. I was surprised how much it hurt to pick up that box and feel the weight of her. It didn't seem real. Jamie Lee designed beautiful tables full of pictures, things Ash loved and memories. Audy held it together better than anyone. The service was amazing. The graveside service was special. 

She makes me want to be better. I hope to live a life where I can pass away and people will speak about me and my legacy they way they did about Ashlee. I miss her and think about her every day. Life moves on but I look for butterflies- she said she would visit. I am so glad for summer so I can see her more often. 

Sending some love to heaven. 

Easter

Easter was so special this year. Ashlee was close to my heart and the Savior's personal sacrifice for me. He died so that I can live again. I will see Ashlee again. I will see my grandparents again and my kids will be mine forever. That promise, just like the return of Spring at Easter, is eternal. I love him and am forever indebted. 

The kids get more and more savvy with the eggs hunt every year. We have come a long way from Mc shaking every single egg to make sure there weren't jelly beans in them. We got so much candy and money and of course a 2nd basket filled with goodies from Mimi. 

Carefully dying eggs.

Every year I am so excited to get these bags out that I had made for the kids.. 

Sunday best. This has been my favorite color pallette to date. The kids looked DARLING and Kingston's flower tie killed me. 

Baskets and egg hunt at Mimi's. 

Chocolate eggs with my name make me pretty nostalgic. My sweet friend Christy lovingly rolled caramel and nougat into homemade chocolate and painstakingly wrote ALL our names It was delicious and darling. 

Egg hunt at Mary Ann's Kingston made out with $17 in cash and coins!  

 Baskets!

And so it's March

I have gotten a little behind on blogging. I had good intentions but never quite get there. The kids are growing up quickly, there are only 8 Mondays left of school and summer is almost here. I just wanted to document some of our February 2016 before it's a distant memory. We got to play in the snow ONE more time before spring came into town. This was Enzo's first time playing in the "no" and he was in heaven! Throwing it, eating it, laying in it. The kids had a blast. Our snowman and snowcat (Thanks to Mc) didn't last long but was fun to get outside together. 

We also took the first weekend in February to head to Provo to walk through the newly remodeled Provo City Center Tabernacle/Temple. It was beautiful! So much stained glass and custom wood work. I was also in awe of the wall paper- NO SEAMS! The beauty and intricacies of the temple truly show that the Lord decorates and maintains his house with perfection. The Thomases joined us and we had a good time (even Mark).

Our birthday month was awesome too! I had to document this AWESOME cake my sweet and selfless friend Kelli Oswald made for me. Not only was my bleeding Armadillo Groom's cake darling but it was the best red velvet ever! Sure love her! My friends REALLY know me and I appreciate their attentiveness to making me feel special on my birthday. 

People are going to be hacking into this poor animal and it looks like it's bleeding to death!

And just to throw in a few pictures that need to go somewhere.

This sweet boy makes me misty eyed LOTS of time when I think that he is my last baby. My last littles. I try to snuggle him as much as I can. He humors me for a minute but then is on his way making mischief and breaking things. It should also be noted that HE pushed the button on the phone to take this selfie. I am convinced that kids nowadays just come technologically advanced. He even has the "swipe" down on my phone and Ipad. 

Miss Mc. Her toothless smile. She is morphing into that BIG little girl. Her babyness is slipping away but I love her sweet disposition, her precociousness and her unyielding love for cats. 

Kingston is OBSESSED with Legos. All day/every day. Lately it is Minecraft Lego building. He is so creative and builds and builds to his hearts content. There isn't a day that goes by that I am not finding them all over. 

Sodium Free

A good friend reminded me today that this time last year, I dropped the kids off for a party
and had to rush home because things with Mark were starting to go downhill. I haven't forgotten what happened almost a year ago but, was surprised others remember. Almost year ago I started to lose the most familiar person in my life. The details now seem a little less raw, a little more vague as I think about those nights where I was sure Mark wasn't coming back. Even when I thumb through my journal and recount what REALLY happened as it was happening real time, it still feels like I am reading about it second hand and that wasn't really my life. It makes for a really interesting book! (ha). 

We have come a long way. Medication, therapy, prayer and fasting have brought us to a platform where, if we continue, can build a relationship far stronger than we ever had but, it's hard. Period. There were days I was pretty sure I couldn't make it one more minute. It was easier to just sit back and let my life go to Hell than push forward, keep my house clean, keep taking Mc to school on time, keep showering, keep going to church and just "live" like my life wasn't falling apart. It was the first time in my life where I felt that overwhelming sense that for everyone around me life was moving on and mine had stopped. Some days, it even feels like I will be trapped in 2015 forever.

A story that continually plays back in my mind is that of Lot's wife from the Bible. Lot and his family are fleeing Sodom and Gomorrah as it is being destroyed and God says, "“Escape for thy life. Look not behind thee … ; escape to the mountain, lest thou be consumed". Despite the warning, Lot's wife looks back and turns into a pillar of salt.

Elder Holland's thoughts come to mind- She didn't just look back, it's that she looked back in longing. He said, "As a new year begins and we try to benefit from a proper view of what has gone before, I plead with you not to dwell on days now gone nor to yearn vainly for yesterdays, however good those yesterdays may have been. The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead and remember that faith is always pointed toward the future. Faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives.So a more theological way to talk about Lot’s wife is to say that she did not have faith. She doubted the Lord’s ability to give her something better than she already had. Apparently, she thought that nothing that lay ahead could possibly be as good as what she was leaving behind."

The hardest part of this journey is trying to move away from the life that we had before. The life that I thought was so much better than what we have been challenged with now. Our old life wasn't perfect. It had hard moments but for some reason, despite it all, I didn't have the faith that life in 2016 or 2045 for that matter could offer anything better. I couldn't see past what I thought was the best life for me & my family. 

We are still racing uphill some days. We are still trying to work through the unknown but, most days, it feels like we are making it. I have felt a little salty LOTS of times- "It used to be like this.", "We used to do it this way.", "Remember when we would do this.". All that looking back is fine, until it starts to detract from the new way of life that God has laid out. His plan is perfect.  It all ends up how it's supposed to. Looking back robs us of the things the Lord is willing to bless us with if we have faith to pack up and leave all the normalcy that we once thought was as good as it gets and trust that the Lord has something better waiting for us. 

December

On the last day of 2015, it seems only fitting to wrap up what we have been doing the month of December. It was busy, cold and full of excitement that only a house full of little kids can bring. I can't say I am sad for 2015 to end. I have never been more ready for a fresh start but it should be noted that we have come a long way this year and it ended on a note far sweeter sounding than where we started.

We started the month with our annual Sub for Santa for the adoption exchange. We had 5 kids this year and did our usual dinner and shopping to get in the Christmas Spirit (Brayden and Alina were there too). 

We as a stake YW presidency decided to have pictures taken to give to the leaders and girls of the stake. From left to right- Lucinda (Pres), Christy (1st counselor), me & Paula (Secretary). Sure love these ladies and their testimonies. It's been a blessing to serve with them. 

Christmas Party with my USU roomies.

Enzo was obsessed with the tree. His favorite word was "Staaaaaar" whenever he saw lights or a tree. He wouldn't touch the ornaments while I was watching but any other time, he would come up double fisting ornaments any chance he got.

The Dickens is a must. We went and met Santa and told him what we wanted. This may be the last year with Father Christmas. Right after, he was life flighted to IMC.

G & Chris surprised us (the kids) with a trip to downtown to stay in the Marriott and the Zoo lights. Mc has been asking for a "vacation" since the life of a 7 year old is strenuous. We got to the hotel, G & Chris gave the kids jammies and robes ("rolls" as Kingston would say). Then we headed to Litza's and the Zoo lights. The kids had a blast and I was exceptionally glad that I had packed Hot Hands- the kids thought those were SO cool! Not one complaint of being cold the entire time. Once we were back to the hotel, Mc decided to pull out one of her front teeth and the Tooth Fairy paid us a visit. We had breakfast at Kneaders and really enjoyed the night away.

The "rolls".

The baby was happy to sleep in his pack n play- he could reach the power button for the TV so we had to slide him over in the middle of the night.

Kingston had his Prek Christmas program. He did awesome! Sang and did all the actions like a champ. He asked for a Robot from Santa. Mimi and Papa came to support him. Mc missed her school performance because she watched another boy threw up- she is more of a sympathy barfer and decided to spend the rest of the day at home. Funny story- her teacher actually called the week prior and said Mc was faking sick because she was jealous she didn't get to play Santa Claus.

Fast forward to the Tuesday before Christmas- Mc decided to pull out her other tooth while we were exchanging gifts with Alex. This picture inspired Grandma Irene to call and ask if she would sing "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth" at the Christmas Eve program. She was hesitant at first and didn't want to disappoint Grandma but once we were there, she didn't miss a beat. I was so proud!

Celebrated Great Grandpa Donut's 76th Birthday.

Christmas clothes for church! I love having them match- wonder how much longer they will let me do that?

Mc & Jill Jill on Christmas Eve.

Christmas Eve Jammies at Mimi's house.

Mc & Brynlee in their jammies.

The highlight of the holiday was catching Santa just as he was leaving our house!

The Zoomer Kitty was just what Mc was expecting! Robotic cats- FAR better than the real thing.

Christmas Day & Heart Attack casserole at Mary Ann's.