Sodium Free

A good friend reminded me today that this time last year, I dropped the kids off for a party
and had to rush home because things with Mark were starting to go downhill. I haven't forgotten what happened almost a year ago but, was surprised others remember. Almost year ago I started to lose the most familiar person in my life. The details now seem a little less raw, a little more vague as I think about those nights where I was sure Mark wasn't coming back. Even when I thumb through my journal and recount what REALLY happened as it was happening real time, it still feels like I am reading about it second hand and that wasn't really my life. It makes for a really interesting book! (ha). 

We have come a long way. Medication, therapy, prayer and fasting have brought us to a platform where, if we continue, can build a relationship far stronger than we ever had but, it's hard. Period. There were days I was pretty sure I couldn't make it one more minute. It was easier to just sit back and let my life go to Hell than push forward, keep my house clean, keep taking Mc to school on time, keep showering, keep going to church and just "live" like my life wasn't falling apart. It was the first time in my life where I felt that overwhelming sense that for everyone around me life was moving on and mine had stopped. Some days, it even feels like I will be trapped in 2015 forever.

A story that continually plays back in my mind is that of Lot's wife from the Bible. Lot and his family are fleeing Sodom and Gomorrah as it is being destroyed and God says, "“Escape for thy life. Look not behind thee … ; escape to the mountain, lest thou be consumed". Despite the warning, Lot's wife looks back and turns into a pillar of salt.

Elder Holland's thoughts come to mind- She didn't just look back, it's that she looked back in longing. He said, "As a new year begins and we try to benefit from a proper view of what has gone before, I plead with you not to dwell on days now gone nor to yearn vainly for yesterdays, however good those yesterdays may have been. The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead and remember that faith is always pointed toward the future. Faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives.So a more theological way to talk about Lot’s wife is to say that she did not have faith. She doubted the Lord’s ability to give her something better than she already had. Apparently, she thought that nothing that lay ahead could possibly be as good as what she was leaving behind."

The hardest part of this journey is trying to move away from the life that we had before. The life that I thought was so much better than what we have been challenged with now. Our old life wasn't perfect. It had hard moments but for some reason, despite it all, I didn't have the faith that life in 2016 or 2045 for that matter could offer anything better. I couldn't see past what I thought was the best life for me & my family. 

We are still racing uphill some days. We are still trying to work through the unknown but, most days, it feels like we are making it. I have felt a little salty LOTS of times- "It used to be like this.", "We used to do it this way.", "Remember when we would do this.". All that looking back is fine, until it starts to detract from the new way of life that God has laid out. His plan is perfect.  It all ends up how it's supposed to. Looking back robs us of the things the Lord is willing to bless us with if we have faith to pack up and leave all the normalcy that we once thought was as good as it gets and trust that the Lord has something better waiting for us. 

December

On the last day of 2015, it seems only fitting to wrap up what we have been doing the month of December. It was busy, cold and full of excitement that only a house full of little kids can bring. I can't say I am sad for 2015 to end. I have never been more ready for a fresh start but it should be noted that we have come a long way this year and it ended on a note far sweeter sounding than where we started.

We started the month with our annual Sub for Santa for the adoption exchange. We had 5 kids this year and did our usual dinner and shopping to get in the Christmas Spirit (Brayden and Alina were there too). 

We as a stake YW presidency decided to have pictures taken to give to the leaders and girls of the stake. From left to right- Lucinda (Pres), Christy (1st counselor), me & Paula (Secretary). Sure love these ladies and their testimonies. It's been a blessing to serve with them. 

Christmas Party with my USU roomies.

Enzo was obsessed with the tree. His favorite word was "Staaaaaar" whenever he saw lights or a tree. He wouldn't touch the ornaments while I was watching but any other time, he would come up double fisting ornaments any chance he got.

The Dickens is a must. We went and met Santa and told him what we wanted. This may be the last year with Father Christmas. Right after, he was life flighted to IMC.

G & Chris surprised us (the kids) with a trip to downtown to stay in the Marriott and the Zoo lights. Mc has been asking for a "vacation" since the life of a 7 year old is strenuous. We got to the hotel, G & Chris gave the kids jammies and robes ("rolls" as Kingston would say). Then we headed to Litza's and the Zoo lights. The kids had a blast and I was exceptionally glad that I had packed Hot Hands- the kids thought those were SO cool! Not one complaint of being cold the entire time. Once we were back to the hotel, Mc decided to pull out one of her front teeth and the Tooth Fairy paid us a visit. We had breakfast at Kneaders and really enjoyed the night away.

The "rolls".

The baby was happy to sleep in his pack n play- he could reach the power button for the TV so we had to slide him over in the middle of the night.

Kingston had his Prek Christmas program. He did awesome! Sang and did all the actions like a champ. He asked for a Robot from Santa. Mimi and Papa came to support him. Mc missed her school performance because she watched another boy threw up- she is more of a sympathy barfer and decided to spend the rest of the day at home. Funny story- her teacher actually called the week prior and said Mc was faking sick because she was jealous she didn't get to play Santa Claus.

Fast forward to the Tuesday before Christmas- Mc decided to pull out her other tooth while we were exchanging gifts with Alex. This picture inspired Grandma Irene to call and ask if she would sing "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth" at the Christmas Eve program. She was hesitant at first and didn't want to disappoint Grandma but once we were there, she didn't miss a beat. I was so proud!

Celebrated Great Grandpa Donut's 76th Birthday.

Christmas clothes for church! I love having them match- wonder how much longer they will let me do that?

Mc & Jill Jill on Christmas Eve.

Christmas Eve Jammies at Mimi's house.

Mc & Brynlee in their jammies.

The highlight of the holiday was catching Santa just as he was leaving our house!

The Zoomer Kitty was just what Mc was expecting! Robotic cats- FAR better than the real thing.

Christmas Day & Heart Attack casserole at Mary Ann's.

Thanksgiving 2015

It was a rough 2015 and it seemed like Thanksgiving was going to be a little stretch to find daily things to be grateful for. Kingston helped me to put things back in perspective. My 4 year old, wise beyond his years. Praying. Being nice. Family. All that really matters- things that no one can take away from you. 

We spent this year with Mark's dad. It was fun to have our niece Katie fresh from her mission the day before. We had dessert at Mary Ann's and then went to Mom & Dad's for a few hours. It was a long exhausting day but how grateful to live in the same state and to end the day sleeping in our own beds. 

I am grateful for health. Good days. Good kids. Jobs. A savings account. A heater. Good memories. The sunshine. The Atonement and my testimony. Good friends. 

Mc & Jill Jill

The Williamson Family feasting table. 

Halloween 2015

I love Halloween. I love dressing up. Trick or treating with the kids. The smell outside. It's awesome and I know that this window with my kids (allowing me to dress up and be seen with them AND taking them trick or treating) is so small. The weather was awesome again this year- no coats and the kids complained about their feet hurting instead of being chilly so that is a win. We went to Grandma Mary Ann's, Grandma Irene's and Mimi's to round out the day- Halloween fell on a Saturday this year which was ideal.

Lots of candy- the "Mom Tax" was in full force (another thing that will go away once my kids realize they have their OWN candy rather than a random bowl full of the crap candy that is for them). We have way more candy than we need and move into the Holiday season- the heater, extra blankets, soup and time with my kids while school is out.

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Halloween Parade at school.

Carl from "UP"- he hated the glasses and this was the only picture I could get with them on. 

In true Halloween form, someone (Iron Man) fell asleep on the way to Grandma Mary Ann's. 

I have to say, I love dressing up to compliment Mc's costume every year. She wanted to be a witch so I let her decide if she wanted to be the "good witch" or the "bad witch" and Elphaba and Glinda were born. 

Great Grandma Irene tickling the ivories with her orange nails. 

Homemade root beer. 

Cousins. 

Kingston & Lincoln with Miss Jessica at prek. 

Falling together.

 Since February, it seemed like we were grasping for anything that felt "normal". I would have killed (or severely injured) to see Mark watching TV, sitting back having a frosty Mt Dew or working in the garage. It's funny, before February, I would get frustrated that Mark was working in the garage late into the night after working a long day. How the tables had turned- I wanted nothing more than a greasy, gas smelling husband to make me feel like he was coming back.

Mark started talking about a track day- YES!  I saw him working in the garage and feeling confident as he took his bike apart and reassembled the pieces. It made me cry. It made me happy to see my husband doing something he loved.

He went and raced at the track. All through therapy, the track has been his happy place- not a sandy beach but wearing leather and a helmet, hugging the curves of race track on his bike. It made my heart sing. It also pulled me through a relapse of sorts- that ONE good day made me realize that Mark is still in there, fighting every day to get back to BETTER.

No mere mortal can resist

Thriller is something I am excited to see in October! I LOVE it! I was excited to take Mc this year. She wasn't so sure and was a little hesitant (cried HUGE tears right when the lights went out) but as the dancing began, she too was excited to be there. She was on the edge of her seat the entire time and hugged Fluffy (the birthday cat) the whole show. We had a blast! Love spending time with my Lady Posse. 

Mc and Maddie with the zombies

Dinner with the Lindquist Ladies.