eavesdropping

As I wrote in my journal today, I stopped to really think about the fact that I am indeed old enough to have two children in school. It came as a bit of a shock for some reason. Three kids brings those kind of epitomic moments. This month has been a rough one. Call it the tinges of postpartum depression or call it your life as you round the corner to 33, but, I really feel that self assessment bug incessantly buzzing in my ear.

Enzo is almost 7 weeks old, we're looking to buy a new home, Mc is going to all day kindergarten, I have returned to church and responsibilities of a YW President, we are heading to Disneyland with a two month old in two weeks (for real?), K is having accidents almost every day, the ever generous meals have stopped and, the "disconnect" that comes from being out of the groove for almost two months hit me like a freight train.

Wednesday. Mark sits patiently as I complain about how I never get a "say" in where the Lord directs me (based on my calling). I know I meant to serve. I know that I was built up and sustained for that capacity but "when do I get to say when I am done or burned out? where I feel capable of serving? and who can I tell that my life is crazy right now except you?". All that spewed out as I ramped back up to go back to my first week of mutual since having the baby.

Thursday. My six week appointment was taking an eternity so in that moment of solitude, I silently prayed.

Saturday. I get an email from the bishop notifying me of some impending changes and then, a whole paragraph where the topic was centered on how I was feeling with all the changes/adjustments that a 3rd child brings. I felt like a moron. All along, the Lord had been listening. He was not unaware of my struggles. I sat back and thought about my loving Heavenly Father, just listening, like a concerned parent quietly observing and waiting for me to lay it all out. How quickly we forget that he wants nothing more than for us to be happy. Nothing more than to involve him in our struggles so that he can yet again, show us the way and bless us beyond what we deserve.