I have experienced death in my life as it relates to losing a grandparent- someone who has lived a full life and yearns to be reconnected to a spouse that has long since passed. It seems almost unfathomable to be writing about Ashlee past tense and discussing our relationship as it WAS not what it WILL BE as we age, raise our babies and share holidays together as adults. I remember the conversation when "cancer" moved into our spectrum and threatened to destroy the normal lives we had lived. In the beginning, cancer was tucked away and Ash pushed through and kept going-looking back, I didn't realize how much she was suffering. She never showed it. Through treatment, sickness, exhaustion, fear, pain, and the unknown, Ash smiled and focused on doing what was best for her husband and kids. 17 months inched by. January 2016, Ashlee and I texted, discussed our lives and decided to get together when we got back from St George. A heartfelt and personal birthday message for me. 2/28/2016 "I love you too (smoochy kiss face emoji)" was my last text from Ash. I was able to get a few visits in- a personal house tour discussing every light fixture, Anthropologie wallpaper, every room and every detail that makes that house 100% Ashlee Smoot. We ate lunch, talked about our upcoming cruise, I sat and rubbed her feet. As we sat on the edge of the bed, she said, "This just sucks"- I could think of 100 other ways to describe the situation.
Saturday, March 12, 2016. I head to Kamas early to bring a bag to Sunni. I got to sit with Ash and partake in some intimate family moments where the veil was SO thin and the sun shone through the window with Angels trailing into Ash's room. I had never seen the paradox so vividly as I did between a body so starved from cancer but SO alive in spirit. That was Ashlee. She passed away at 11: 37 PM.
She chose to be cremated. Her choice was perfect. A sweet box carried her remains that Sunni and I tied with pink ribbons. I was surprised how much it hurt to pick up that box and feel the weight of her. It didn't seem real. Jamie Lee designed beautiful tables full of pictures, things Ash loved and memories. Audy held it together better than anyone. The service was amazing. The graveside service was special.
She makes me want to be better. I hope to live a life where I can pass away and people will speak about me and my legacy they way they did about Ashlee. I miss her and think about her every day. Life moves on but I look for butterflies- she said she would visit. I am so glad for summer so I can see her more often.
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| Sending some love to heaven. |
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